Losing Hope

As-salamu alaykum السلام عليكم My dear bloggers 🙂 

How are you? Inshallah well.

I’ve been away for a long time from the world of Blogging. I did promise myself I would try to put entries as much as possible. Persistency has been an issue. Somehow I found it hard to think about what my recent entry is going to be about. Maybe that’s because I have a lot of things going on in my mind… Many questions, many worries, many possibilities, many scenarios etc mostly, negative thoughts. Then I remember, I said I was going to write about the journey of my life. So, I came to the conclusion to talk about the current demon I have (still am) been facing the time I was away from here. I read that this would help me in many ways.

The demon I have been going through is Depression. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t yet been diagnosed by the doctors because I am not comfortable to talk about this to anyone or to very very few people. From TV, googling and knowing people who have depression I have come to the solution that it was depression. There was no other explanation. I know Depression is one of the most common mental illness. I know you have heard or read about it many times. I know I have. I use to switch whenever the subject use to arise. I believe reading through people’s experience of depression helps by being aware.

I’m not sure when the first symptom of Depression appeared. As far as I remember, it might have started when I had my first assignment to do. I started my final year of University in a high note. I was motivated, positive and really looking forward to learning. However, one point my emotions started to go down. It was a gradual downpour. It likely started when I missed my one lecture, when I had a lot of university work to do. I wanted to get on top of the work before the pile grew bigger. The cycle of my university absence was getting persistent. There were times when I would miss an entire week of university. The more I missed, the more I had to catch up on. At that point, I don’t exactly remember how I was feeling. I remember the negativity starting to gently kick in. I don’t know why I started to miss lessons after the first one, when I knew I would get into this mess? Now, you can imagine how having soo much work to catch up on, and do, would affect someone’s motivation.

Eventually I lost all motivation & determination. My mind was filled with all negative thoughts. This lead to me procrastinating. I somehow couldn’t get myself to do anything. I didn’t want to do any of the university work. I got to the point where I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to do NOTHING. I left my assignment deadlines & revision to the last minute. But, I didn’t want my family (parents & sister) to see me in bed the whole day for no good reason. I didn’t want them to see me go through depression. This was the rope that stopped this demon from taking over me. This was the driving force that got me to get things done. I didn’t want anyone to know I was going through this issue. I didn’t get any satisfaction from the things that made me feel happy.  I was feeling like I was the worst person alive. Every negative connotation was me.  I felt empty.  It felt like I was slowly burying myself.

I find it hard to explain the emotions I was going through. I guess, depression is a hard concept to explain to people or even myself. The big question that kept constantly going through my mind is:-

“Why would I go through Depression if there is nothing bad going on in my life?”

Even now I am trying to find the answer to that question. I’m not sure if there is one. I learnt there is various degrees of depression. I obviously, don’t have major depression because major depression is when you can’t get on with your daily life. I think, I have minor depression. As soon as I identified my problem the sooner I was able to find a solution.

My university friends noticed there was something going wrong with me. They tried to reach out to me but, I didn’t feel comfortable to confess to any of them. The reason because I didn’t have that connection or close friendship with most of them to be able to talk about my emotions. There was one close friend ‘Klaudia’ who I felt one of the closet to. She was the first person I expressed my problem to and she was a great support. Thankfully, my best friend ‘Emma’ was the very person who I think got me through this which she probably doesn’t know. She is the person I tell my heart & soul to & she has always been one of the closest person in my life. I felt better just by talking to her about my battle. It turned out she was going through something similar. It made things better because she understood where I was coming from. She understood me and my battle.

Here I am still trying to vanish Depression. I have come far. It is still a problem I am going through. Hidden on my own from rest of the world is probably not helping my progression. I am thinking positive. Unlike before, this time I have determination to come through this.

I am finishing off feeling optimistic. Writing this has given me a glimpse of hope. Who thought by doing something simple as this can make things a bit better 🙂

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Thank you for reading through this depressing piece hahaha

Hope life treats you all good Inshallah.

Take care, Allah Hafiz

Tasnia xox

 

 

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With a new Moon comes a new heart

As-salamu alaykum السلام عليكم my dear Muslim  sisters  

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Ramadan Mubarak! 🙂                    

I didn’t expect my first blog post to be on the 3rd day of Ramadan (Fasting). I have to admit it was difficult for me to write my first post. The first one is the one that gives the first impression so, do go easy on me and bear in mind I will have many spelling mistakes and probably go on a tangent (one of my perks). Now how do I begin my blog?!… as the answer is obvious, I thought I will start my first post in the order of my journey.

Before Ramadan began I have been struggling with myself in all areas. Things like, studying, motivation, relationships (excluding boyfriend) and religion. Somehow I was internally finding it hard  to deal with  things in life even though I wasn’t going through any hardship. It’s hard to explain. It’s like no matter what I did I didn’t feel happy within. I know it sounds like depression but, I don’t think it was as I’ve done my research into that area.

The first thing I did to figure this out was finding out what the source is. I think what started this was my beloved grandfather death (as far as I remember). It was the only incident that made sense to  why I was feeling unhappy for soo long. I haven’t gone through any severe event in my life before that could have triggered it. Ever since my beloved grandfathers death, my soul has gone with me, this is how it felt like. The weird thing is, I didn’t acknowledge the emptiness in my soul until around a month later. It wasn’t just me who started to realise but, my mum was the first and my twin sister. It wasn’t just me who was suffering along with me was, my university degree, my relationship with my parents and my religion. Slowly everything was going to waste.

So how do I resolve this? I was ponder for a long time on how I can fix myself. I started to think which point in my life was I the happiest ? and the answer to that was when I was 15-16 years old during the period of my life where I was practising my religion Islam in a regularly basis. The time where I couldn’t wait to pray the 5 daily Salat, only listening to Qutbahs and Nasheeds during my spare time. Nothing was interesting me other than Islam and I was entirely devoted to Allah SWT. This is what Islam was about. First time ever I felt  peace in my soul. I cannot describe the serene feeling I had. I was happy with where my life was, I was less angry, I had patience and this strengthen my relationship with my parents. My Imaan was at its most high and then somewhere down the line I collapsed. I stopped reading the 5 daily salat which was the medicine for my soul. This resulted with everything else falling apart. Yet again, I went back to my old ways. It’s been like this ever since. Now I am 20 years old. I never have felt again that true happiness like I did during that time. So, I’ve learnt the solution to my problem was….

ISLAM.

Yep. It was my religion. The very thing that gave me tranquility from the beginning that was  taken away by my laziness which resulted in my soul not being feed. I had to take the steps I did previously:

1) Salat = I know this is the most obvious cure to my problem yet, many of us take the power of Salat lightly. I started slowly building my Salah pattern by reading as many as I can (Even if I didn’t read all) I eventually adopted my Salat around my lifestyle. I had a routine which then made everything fall into place. After I finished a Salah I felt my soul lightened. It felt like a burden has been lifted Suban’Allah! I again fell in love with Salat.

2) Dikr= throughout my day I made sure I at least recited some Dikr. This was during any chores, waiting for the bus, during my lunch breaks etc. This didn’t only increase my acknowledgement of my Lord Allah SWT but, also my purpose in this world. This simple act opened my soul.

3) Listening to Kutabahs= I started to listen to any Kutbahs that got my attention, even if it was just a 5 min one as long as it was a material that can inspire me in faith and increase my knowledge. The best source I found was the Youtube channel called ‘Merciful Servant’  their videos are short, simple and powerful Mash’Allah.

Before I took these steps, I first had to have determination to change for the better. I knew I had to get my mind-set right otherwise I would’nt have the mentality to follow through these goal. 

So, here I am now after 2 weeks of trying my best  to follow these point. There was no better time to find Islam again than the special month of Ramadan. Ever since Ramadan has begun I have found the peace in my soul that I have been searching for a long time. I started to love my Creator Allah SWT. I started to follow my purpose in life and I was content in where I was in my current life Alhamdullilah 🙂 Allah is the most Gracious and Most forgiving. 

I finish writing my first blog post as a new person- with a new moon comes a new heart. 

Thank you for taking your time to read. I know I am an amateur in this new blogging world 😛

Allah Hafiz

 Tasnia Rahman x