Life is temporary

As-salamu alaykum السلام عليكم everyone 🙂 

How are you all doing? Insh’Allah you are all keeping well.

I had what you call “a reminder or an awakening lesson” yesterday. Yesterday in the early morning of 7pm I woke up tp get ready to go and visit my family in Kent. It is a 3 hours drive from my city Bristol. I had to see my auntie & uncle who have come back from Hajj – my mother even made me take a day off for that day.

In the midst of when I was getting ready….

My mother received a phone call from one of my auntie who informed her of some ill news. The terrible news was that one of my auntie (mums older sister-in-law) mother has passed away in the early mornings in Bangladesh. This news turned this trip into a horrific one. As soon as we heard (my parents and sister) our mood went completely down. I did not want to go to kent because it meant I had to see my lovely auntie go through such a tragic event.

My heart went out to my auntie and her family. As I suspected, she was brave and she was strong because that is how my auntie is. That is the way she deals with her life events. Don’t get me wrong, she was a mess, she was crying her heart out -wrenching her soul out there. Who wouldn’t when they find out their own mother has gone from them forever? No one can imagine going through someone beloved going from them.

This once again was a reminder of how my life is temporary. I am a living time bomb. I can go any second. I have an expiry date and that expiry date is about to run out. It is time to wake up! This is another time Allah SWT was sending me a message that I will soon be return to him.

Inna Lillahi wa inna ilayhi Rajiun. 

 Truly, to Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.

Now I am here trying to think of ways to improve myself as a person so, I can be a better version of myself every day. May we all have a moment to pray for my auntie and her family. May Allah SWT grant her Jannatul Firdous and every one of those souls who has already tasted death, Ameen.

I’m wishing you all a good day or night, depending on where you are in right now.

Let’s not be too late in doing all the good deeds.

Take care my dear readers. Allah Hafiz.

Tasnia xox

One year ago…

It was a year ago when I first started wearing the Hijab.

The Hijab has been the best lesson I have ever tooken. It has made me think twice before I make a wrong deed & it has made me become comfortable with my inner & outer beauty. The Hijab has become an integral part of who I am & now it has become a second nature to me. Time goes by quick. It’s not a day where I would not think twice to change that decision of mines.

Our beauty lies within & the Hijab is the very core of that representation.

What is more important than realising your unique beauty ❤ 

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A graduate facing the big bad world

As-salamu alaykum السلام عليكم to  all the lovely readers. 

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It feels surreal to be even reading the title. I graduated? seriously? Yes. I have recently graduated with a BA in English Language and Linguistic. Woo! That was a mouthful to say but, also it sounds kind of fancy. 🙂

My graduation day was perfect. Everything was perfect – The outfit, the ceremony, my classmates, the photographs and a large amount of proud family and friends wishes Alhamdullilah. I definitely did not expect it to be one of the happiest moment of my life because of the circumstances I was in but, my best friend and parents were right. Sometimes it’s alright to consider your parents advice but, only sometimes 😉

What circumstance could you be in for your graduation to be ruined or jeopardised? Well… I graduated with a 3rd class in my degree *bowing down in shame*. For those who do not know how bad it is – it’s the lowest low mark you can achieve in a degree. It’s one place above a “Fail”. To put it into more perspective – it is equivalent of you getting an E or D grade. I realised this isn’t helping me in any way possible haha heck! At least, I am still laughing. This is why I was by a thread, considering to not attend my graduation.

Now that the worst part is over. Let us go into some positivism….

I may have not done greatly. Yes. I was initially heartbroken, shattered, I buried myself in a ditch but, my parents and sister helped me come out of the dark and into the light. They helped me see how this was actually not the end of the world. We all get soo caught up in our education that we tend to forget what holds dear to us. In case, you are one of those people, let me remind you what is more important to you than education.

If it wasn’t for my family & friends love and support, I would have not come out alive *Dramatic Music* because this knocked my confidence right down and sucked the energy out of me. I was constantly worried which also caused stress and unhappiness. I eventually, would have most likely ended up facing depression again. So, what if I didn’t have any of my family and friends? what would my life be like? We all know the answer to that question. It’s during the hardship do we realise how lucky we are to have these loving people in our life. This was definitely one of those moments.

Enough of my dramatism. You are all wondering what I am now doing with my life. My passion is to be an English Secondary School teacher (yes I am being serious). I was very close in changing my job prospective but, along came one of my amazing auntie who woke me up to reality. I am currently working as a Teaching Assistant in Secondary Schools. This would enhance my experience in a classroom and give me an even greater opportunity into Teaching or teaching courses. It is my first week of working and I am loving it.

So… Do not let any hurdles stop you from achieving your aspirations. They may seem like a big drop when in reality, they are small hiccups along the way. I tend to have one of my “Motivational speech moments” hehe.

I hope someone out there who has lost all hope has gained a small spark of faith to go for their dreams.

Take care my readers. Signing off

Tasnia xox 

Losing Hope

As-salamu alaykum السلام عليكم My dear bloggers 🙂 

How are you? Inshallah well.

I’ve been away for a long time from the world of Blogging. I did promise myself I would try to put entries as much as possible. Persistency has been an issue. Somehow I found it hard to think about what my recent entry is going to be about. Maybe that’s because I have a lot of things going on in my mind… Many questions, many worries, many possibilities, many scenarios etc mostly, negative thoughts. Then I remember, I said I was going to write about the journey of my life. So, I came to the conclusion to talk about the current demon I have (still am) been facing the time I was away from here. I read that this would help me in many ways.

The demon I have been going through is Depression. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t yet been diagnosed by the doctors because I am not comfortable to talk about this to anyone or to very very few people. From TV, googling and knowing people who have depression I have come to the solution that it was depression. There was no other explanation. I know Depression is one of the most common mental illness. I know you have heard or read about it many times. I know I have. I use to switch whenever the subject use to arise. I believe reading through people’s experience of depression helps by being aware.

I’m not sure when the first symptom of Depression appeared. As far as I remember, it might have started when I had my first assignment to do. I started my final year of University in a high note. I was motivated, positive and really looking forward to learning. However, one point my emotions started to go down. It was a gradual downpour. It likely started when I missed my one lecture, when I had a lot of university work to do. I wanted to get on top of the work before the pile grew bigger. The cycle of my university absence was getting persistent. There were times when I would miss an entire week of university. The more I missed, the more I had to catch up on. At that point, I don’t exactly remember how I was feeling. I remember the negativity starting to gently kick in. I don’t know why I started to miss lessons after the first one, when I knew I would get into this mess? Now, you can imagine how having soo much work to catch up on, and do, would affect someone’s motivation.

Eventually I lost all motivation & determination. My mind was filled with all negative thoughts. This lead to me procrastinating. I somehow couldn’t get myself to do anything. I didn’t want to do any of the university work. I got to the point where I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to do NOTHING. I left my assignment deadlines & revision to the last minute. But, I didn’t want my family (parents & sister) to see me in bed the whole day for no good reason. I didn’t want them to see me go through depression. This was the rope that stopped this demon from taking over me. This was the driving force that got me to get things done. I didn’t want anyone to know I was going through this issue. I didn’t get any satisfaction from the things that made me feel happy.  I was feeling like I was the worst person alive. Every negative connotation was me.  I felt empty.  It felt like I was slowly burying myself.

I find it hard to explain the emotions I was going through. I guess, depression is a hard concept to explain to people or even myself. The big question that kept constantly going through my mind is:-

“Why would I go through Depression if there is nothing bad going on in my life?”

Even now I am trying to find the answer to that question. I’m not sure if there is one. I learnt there is various degrees of depression. I obviously, don’t have major depression because major depression is when you can’t get on with your daily life. I think, I have minor depression. As soon as I identified my problem the sooner I was able to find a solution.

My university friends noticed there was something going wrong with me. They tried to reach out to me but, I didn’t feel comfortable to confess to any of them. The reason because I didn’t have that connection or close friendship with most of them to be able to talk about my emotions. There was one close friend ‘Klaudia’ who I felt one of the closet to. She was the first person I expressed my problem to and she was a great support. Thankfully, my best friend ‘Emma’ was the very person who I think got me through this which she probably doesn’t know. She is the person I tell my heart & soul to & she has always been one of the closest person in my life. I felt better just by talking to her about my battle. It turned out she was going through something similar. It made things better because she understood where I was coming from. She understood me and my battle.

Here I am still trying to vanish Depression. I have come far. It is still a problem I am going through. Hidden on my own from rest of the world is probably not helping my progression. I am thinking positive. Unlike before, this time I have determination to come through this.

I am finishing off feeling optimistic. Writing this has given me a glimpse of hope. Who thought by doing something simple as this can make things a bit better 🙂

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Thank you for reading through this depressing piece hahaha

Hope life treats you all good Inshallah.

Take care, Allah Hafiz

Tasnia xox