Losing Hope

As-salamu alaykum السلام عليكم My dear bloggers 🙂 

How are you? Inshallah well.

I’ve been away for a long time from the world of Blogging. I did promise myself I would try to put entries as much as possible. Persistency has been an issue. Somehow I found it hard to think about what my recent entry is going to be about. Maybe that’s because I have a lot of things going on in my mind… Many questions, many worries, many possibilities, many scenarios etc mostly, negative thoughts. Then I remember, I said I was going to write about the journey of my life. So, I came to the conclusion to talk about the current demon I have (still am) been facing the time I was away from here. I read that this would help me in many ways.

The demon I have been going through is Depression. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t yet been diagnosed by the doctors because I am not comfortable to talk about this to anyone or to very very few people. From TV, googling and knowing people who have depression I have come to the solution that it was depression. There was no other explanation. I know Depression is one of the most common mental illness. I know you have heard or read about it many times. I know I have. I use to switch whenever the subject use to arise. I believe reading through people’s experience of depression helps by being aware.

I’m not sure when the first symptom of Depression appeared. As far as I remember, it might have started when I had my first assignment to do. I started my final year of University in a high note. I was motivated, positive and really looking forward to learning. However, one point my emotions started to go down. It was a gradual downpour. It likely started when I missed my one lecture, when I had a lot of university work to do. I wanted to get on top of the work before the pile grew bigger. The cycle of my university absence was getting persistent. There were times when I would miss an entire week of university. The more I missed, the more I had to catch up on. At that point, I don’t exactly remember how I was feeling. I remember the negativity starting to gently kick in. I don’t know why I started to miss lessons after the first one, when I knew I would get into this mess? Now, you can imagine how having soo much work to catch up on, and do, would affect someone’s motivation.

Eventually I lost all motivation & determination. My mind was filled with all negative thoughts. This lead to me procrastinating. I somehow couldn’t get myself to do anything. I didn’t want to do any of the university work. I got to the point where I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to do NOTHING. I left my assignment deadlines & revision to the last minute. But, I didn’t want my family (parents & sister) to see me in bed the whole day for no good reason. I didn’t want them to see me go through depression. This was the rope that stopped this demon from taking over me. This was the driving force that got me to get things done. I didn’t want anyone to know I was going through this issue. I didn’t get any satisfaction from the things that made me feel happy.  I was feeling like I was the worst person alive. Every negative connotation was me.  I felt empty.  It felt like I was slowly burying myself.

I find it hard to explain the emotions I was going through. I guess, depression is a hard concept to explain to people or even myself. The big question that kept constantly going through my mind is:-

“Why would I go through Depression if there is nothing bad going on in my life?”

Even now I am trying to find the answer to that question. I’m not sure if there is one. I learnt there is various degrees of depression. I obviously, don’t have major depression because major depression is when you can’t get on with your daily life. I think, I have minor depression. As soon as I identified my problem the sooner I was able to find a solution.

My university friends noticed there was something going wrong with me. They tried to reach out to me but, I didn’t feel comfortable to confess to any of them. The reason because I didn’t have that connection or close friendship with most of them to be able to talk about my emotions. There was one close friend ‘Klaudia’ who I felt one of the closet to. She was the first person I expressed my problem to and she was a great support. Thankfully, my best friend ‘Emma’ was the very person who I think got me through this which she probably doesn’t know. She is the person I tell my heart & soul to & she has always been one of the closest person in my life. I felt better just by talking to her about my battle. It turned out she was going through something similar. It made things better because she understood where I was coming from. She understood me and my battle.

Here I am still trying to vanish Depression. I have come far. It is still a problem I am going through. Hidden on my own from rest of the world is probably not helping my progression. I am thinking positive. Unlike before, this time I have determination to come through this.

I am finishing off feeling optimistic. Writing this has given me a glimpse of hope. Who thought by doing something simple as this can make things a bit better 🙂

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Thank you for reading through this depressing piece hahaha

Hope life treats you all good Inshallah.

Take care, Allah Hafiz

Tasnia xox

 

 

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